Saturday, April 02, 2005

MSN Archives: April 2005

C is for Cookie...not!

C" is for cookie - that's good enough for me
"C" is for cookie - thats good enough for me
"C" is for cookie - thats good enough for me
Oh...cookie, cookie, cookie starts with "C".
Bad news...seems Sesame Street has decided to make my favorite blue monster a more healthy role model for kids. His theme song is being changed to "A Cookie is a Sometimes Food"...while he'll scarf down assorted veggie snack-tray fare. Geez. I'm all for healthy, but at the expense of COOKIES?! I can't wait for him to start his low fat/high protein program...and I suppose Oscar the Grouch will soon be answering to Oscar Needs-his-medication...and Bert and Ernie will be just "friends".



No Spitting

It bothers me that I'm bothered by superficial CRAP. I hate that I still care what other people think. I have a smart kid, well-behaved cats, friends, enemies, credit card bills...I drink too much, make bad decisions, eat unhealthy, and watch mind-numbing tv sometimes...and I'll NEVER understand men, but I like me. Most of the time, anyway (waking up feeling fat, overemotional and irrational...now, that I could live without).This weekend, I set a goal for myself. To be more "real" and more secure in showing who I am...not just how I'd like to be.
1986. I've gone from a SMALL private high school with classrooms holding 15 to a HUGE University with lecture halls seating hundreds. Not realizing there were class requirements when I registered, I had the perfect schedule: Australian Aborigines, Primate Social Behaviour, Evolution and Extinction and Sociology...(someone could have TOLD me I'd have to take Math and English, geez). I was living in an all-girl's dorm, listening to Depeche Mode and the B'52's...just enjoying the hell out of life! Life was good...nah, life was AMAZING!

My friends and I had our rooms at the end of the hall...we went out drinking on weeknights (gasp!)...we had Budweiser stocked, cigarettes, loud music and boyfriends illegally spending the night...but what I miss most is always having a large "NO SPITTING" sign behind my head in pictures.

Friday, April 01, 2005

MSN Archives: April 2005

Anger Management II
I have 16 years worth of "he's a controlling ass" stories from my marriage...I was so relieved when that divorce was final and I had a chance to start over and gain control of my own life - FINALLY! Last summer, when he somehow successfully snagged a serious (and HOT!) girlfriend, I went OUT OF MY MIND with rage - that tramp was in MY house, petting MY dog and how could HE find someone to love when I couldn't and he's rich and I'm poor and life's not fair, wahhhhh! I drove by the house several times a day, used my garage door opener in the middle of the night, searched through the house when he wasn't there, contemplated poking holes in his condoms, called at half-hour increments, googled his girlfriend, then called and drove by HER house...my anger was consuming me.

After three weeks at this grueling pace of frantic behavior, I agreed to a pool party (yeah, 'cause even psychos need a day off)...all day with minimal clothing, lots of beer, splashing and sun...my pain and rage were temporarily numbed. I followed the advice in a Supertramp song, and took the long way home...driving by the ex's house out of habit by this time, when I had a brainstorm: I'll STEAL the dog out of the backyard! She loves me more, and he doesn't deserve her...drama-filled phone calls followed when he noticed she was gone so he called to fight about dog custody (tell me: WHY argue with a drunk woman? Do you think I'm going to suddenly think like a rational human being?). I also vaguely remember calling his girlfriend and rambling on to her answering machine about the fact that she was white trash. I'm quite intimidating with a drunken slur, let me tell you.

The next morning, I was in bed (petting my dog, heh) when my heart started palpitating...no biggee, I'm used to it, it's happened all my life. My arms went numb and I started to worry a little but decided to give it another 10 minutes just to see if it would stop - it didn't. I drove myself to the hospital a few miles away (and repeatedly got bitched out about this...but I have crappy insurance) and could barely talk at this point. After an hour in the E.R. with a heart rate of over 240 bpm, they injected something to make my heart stop and start some sort of normal rhythym...twice! I'm in my THIRTIES!!

Maybe the events are unrelated...maybe it was a coincidence...but until you're in my shoes...or my hospital gown with hangover hair and your heart stopped...crying with waterproof mascara clumping around your eyes...PLEASE don't ask me to hold onto anger any longer than I have to.

Parenting tip #37
If all else fails, use corn-on-the-cob:


Gin and Platonic
For any doubters that men and women can permanently reside on the friendship plane…I give you M.

I started my first post-college job in Nashville in ’94 (I shoulda stuck with bartending). My studies were vague….I had an idea of becoming a physical therapist, but somewhere between registration and graduation, life got in the way. Too many moves, a husband, kid and the military lifestyle forced me in the direction of Plan B. I was hired on as a Field Chemist for an Environmental firm, which basically meant I traveled a 5 state region and was on the road and in hotels all week.

M. had been with the company about a year before I started. He was a newlywed (lovesick, blech, but I tried not to hold it against him) and an all-around great guy. We hit it off immediately with our shared sense of humor and interest in beer and music - anyone who owns a Depeche Mode cd gets 20 bonus points in my world!
Sometimes, for me anyway, you meet someone and know…we were instantly friends - no walls to break, no awkward silences to overcome. It wasn’t lust, or love or any other complicated emotion – just a feeling that we had been close before and he would never hurt me. And he never did.

After I moved to Germany, we kept in touch via email...and we've continued to make cds for each other over the years. Neither of us ever crossed that line of friendship...which is amazing considering how weak I am with temptation. Part of what I admire so much about him is that he would never consider cheating on his wife - it forces me to be a better person.
He lives in St. Louis now, but when his company won my contract, he was sent down to make sure the environmental program was running well...and now I expect I'll get to see him regularly. Next time, however, we are NOT staying up all night talking...one of us is getting too old for that.